Temporary Realization

Meron akong realization today. Medyo mahirap siguro intindihin ito ng ibang mga nilalang – lalo na yung mga nilalang na hindi naman ako kilala. Ika nga – yung mga napadaan lang sa blog site na ito kasi nag google ng something insanely perverted at surprise-surprise — dinala dito sa site na ito. Which I find it odd — dahil wala naman akong sinusulat na hindi pang PG. Hmmm… Pero that’s another case.

Anyway – balik sa realization. Brief background — balik-tanaw sabi nga ng iba. Ako ngayon ay nasa land of “Dull as a button local franchise Deal or No Deal show” working for a multinationational financial company. (Bakit sa mga wanted ads… lagi na lang nakalagay na Multinational firm or company – sabagay.. maganda pakinggan. Pag tinanong ka – Where are you working? Oh… I work for a multination firm. Di ba? Galing… kahit na tagabukas ka lang ng pinto – at least multinational…..) Few years back – dahil sa wala nang ibang nilalang – my supervisor was forced to assign me sa isang malaki at high profile na proyekto. Feeling “newbie” ako that time. Here I am – with no significant project management experience whatsoever assigned in the big leagues. Ibang level na kung baga. Syempre I was scared as a kid going to school the first time. Pero syempre hindi ko pinapahalata. I was smug and indifferent —- para magmukhang I belong. I was learning and at the same time pretending that I know everything. Hindi kasi pwede na medyo pa-eng-eng eng-eng. You’ll be eaten alive. You’ll be bullied by the alpha dogs… and cats… and the occasional skunks. It’s a dog-eat-dog project ika nga. Every eyes are on you waiting for you to fail — to drop the ball. Pero syempre – the hard-headed pig in me would not let this happen. I have never worked so hard in my life. I stretched myself to near limit. 7 days work-week? Late nighters? Making the impossible possible? No problemo. Even I am quite amaze of what I was able to do once I put my heart and soul on something. I was so damn proud of myself.

After a year or so of trying to be Mr. Incredible – medyo napapaisip na ako. Kahit kasi ano ang gawin ko – my boss would often find it lacking. Kung may mga magandang papuri – trabaho ko naman daw talaga yun so dapat ko lang gawin. Pag nakikita ko yung ibang mga kateam ko na papetiks-petiks lang — medyo naiisip ko na why am I doing this? Bakit kailangan ko patayin ang sarili ko e pwede naman pala na pacute-cute lang. Mind you – I got the same salary increment as the other people from my team. Sabi nga ni bossing – may increment ako kasi I was doing rather well. Pero yung iba may increment – para may incentive sila to work harder. Hmmmm.. Kuya – parang may mali po yata? Ibig sabihin – you will be rewarded if you do a good job — and will be rewarded for you to step-up and do a better job? Lagi ko nga sinasabi na – I will slow down. Pero pag dumarating na ang mga deadlines – nawawala ang planong mag-slow down. I’d rather work till I die than to feel that I am a failure — which is comparable to dying. Medyo mga ilang panahon ang lumipas – I decided it’s time to go… Tama na.. Sobra na.. Palitan na. Kahit low on funds – rich naman ako sa conviction na kailangan na umalis. Kaso — di natuloy. Yup – nagsabi ako. Pero di natuloy. Kinausap kasi ako ni bossing. After a couple of hours ng pag-uusap — lumabas ako ng meeting room feeling like the greatest quitter there ever is. Di ko pala nabanggit – may kakaibang skill ang aking bossing na kaya nyang paikot-ikotin ang lahat at gawing kamalian mo ang lahat. Ano ang napag-usapan naming – in a nut shell — I am insecure… I don’t think that I am in the same league as the other AVPs and VPs dahil sa isa lang akong lowly contractual employee. Kailangan ko pa ibuild-up ang aking confidence. Me? Lacking in confidence? Well… kung tutuo nga – that’s a first! The sad thing was – I believed all of it while we were talking inside the small office with four walls. He also mentioned that I just need to work hard and the rewards will follow. Hmmm….nung medyo nahimasmasan na ako — napag-isip ulit ako. Am I not working hard? Kulang pa rin? Hmmm ulit.

Just to prove him wrong — work like a dog ulit ako. Continue lang ako with my smug and indifferent act since it is working. I worked harder than I already did. Pero oks pa din. Pero since nothing have changed — hindi mawala-wala ang katanungan sa aking isipan. Why am I doing this? What’s the point? For the second time — I decided it’s time to go. Bago ko sya kausapin — nagrehearse na ako. Hindi ko hahayaan na paikutin ulit ako. Insecure? Hindi na nya pwede ibato ito —- sa sobranng secure ko – pati sya inaaway ko! Confidence? Lacking is not the term now – overflowing pwede pa. Hmp. Pero I was not ready for what was to happen. The cunning devil was again ahead of me. He knows that the last approach will not work anymore…. So binago nya. Yup. Hindi pa rin ako nakaalis — technically. He offered that I go on sabbatical leave. Kailangan ko lang daw siguro magpahing – take it easy… then go back. I was not ready for that. Ano pa sasabihin ko? It was a good offer – go on leave — unpaid man – then go back. Hmmm.. Ok. Fine. I would go on leave — naisip ko… Baka nga naman tama sya. Baka kailangan ko lang magpahinga.

I took a couple of months off. Pahinga ng kaunti… Travel ng kaunti… Gastos ng marami. Pagkatapos maubos ang salapi… naramdaman ko na ang need to work. Just like Mc Arthur — I returned. I was gone for 2 months – nung balikan ko ang dati kong trabaho — it seems that I never left. Yung mga iniwan kong problema — problema pa rin. Nadagdagan pa nga. Nothing was sorted out. I was pissed to the heavens. There goes the two months of lazying around. I need to work doubly hard. Hmp. Kung hindi lang masaman ang pumatay – pinatay ko yung nag-takeover sa work ko e. All he did was create more mess – and I was the freaking person assigned to clean it up. Hello!!!! Last I checked - IT po ako work – hindi Metro Aide! Surprisingly – I was able to catch up really fast. In a couple of weeks – after reading thousands of mails - I am officially back. I am again in my element. Balik trabaho — balik sa old routine. Work till wee hours of the night… 7 days workweek… business trips… etc..etc… Same-same ikaw nga. For a few months – everything was fine and dandy. Pero sabi nga nila — nothing is too good to last eternally. After a year – I finally decided that it is really time to go. Pramis. True na. Time to go na talaga. I… again…. Informed…again… bossing that the day has come. This is it na talaga. As in. He tried to talk me out of it — pero it’s either nabawasan na ang kanyang powers or I just really feel that its time to move on. I left a month or so after.

Tulad ng mga dating pangyayari – medyo easy easy muna ako…. Pahinga ulit…. Travel kaunti…. Gastos ng marami…. I was planning to find another job after a couple of months of doing nothing. Well — I did try to find a job after a couple of months — nga lang — the job market was terrible. Siyudad was letting go of contract staff every hour by the hour. Dami tuloy naghahanap ng work – and the pickings are rather slim. Syempre pag sobrang dami ng demand — nagmamaganda ang mga agents. There are job offers but at half of what you are usually receiving. Ano kayo.. swerte? Hmp. I can always go back to siyudad — ang huling sabi ni bossing – no matter what the situation of the job market… kahit nagtatanggalan.. he will always have a slot open for me. Touch naman ako that time — and I almost dialed his number and shout for help. Pag unti-unti mo nang nakikita na nauubos ang iyong kaperahan — way –way below your psychological limit (I have a psychological limit on my savings… pag medyo less than the psych limit na…. medyo napapraning na ako… ) Buti na lang — an offer came unexpectedly. The offer is good… it’s for a lower position… pay is a little lower to what I was earning before….but somehow may spider senses are tingling. Hmm…. I made a final demand – nervously. Biro mo – psychotic level savings, bad job market, rising prices – at nagpapagwapo pa ako. Surprisingly — their counter offer is quite ok.. not what I was demanding – but reasonable. I accepted the job. Pag medyo nag-read back kayo ng mga first entries ko — you would know kung ano ang nangyari. But hey – may maganda namang naging resulta – kung hindi ako nagtrabaho dun — I would not have written my first blog entry …. and you would not be reading this entry? So okay na rin di ba?

Ano now – balik na tayo sa present day… sa now… Whew… mahaba-habang pagbabalik tanaw yun a. Anyway – this afternoon — a collegue from my previous team… Ano? Anong team? Naku — tamad mag-back read…. I resigned after 6 months… returned to my first company… but in another team…. Yada..yada…yada… Ok? So… a former teammate called asking something about the first big project (so now alam nyo na – na big talaga ang project… daming nang nangyari sa buhay nating lahat .. pero yung project na yun ay project pa rin.) that I handled. And that’s the time I had my realization.

Anong realization? I realized that I do missed working for that project. All it took was once simple question … And yun – singtulin ng takbo ni Andress ni Bonifacio nung A-putol A t*t* — my mind recalled the past few years… trying to remembering the exact details for that requirement. Biglang nag-flash sa aking isipan – who was involved in that requirement…when was this requirement discussed… why was this requirement highlighted. Parang biglang nagising ang aking natutulog na isipan. I was running on pure adrenaline. I never felt so alive.. Pramis. I looked backed at my old mails (I kept it… would you believe?) – and with precision — was able to find the specific mail that will save my former team from extreme agony and pain. Katuwa di ba? Namimis ko na rin pala to work on something that really matters. Yung kailangan talaga pag-iisipan. Yung may sense of extreme fulfillment. Yung something that you can look back and feel proud.

Ano ibig sabihin nito? That I hate what I am doing now? No… not really. I hate a few people… but kung kilala nyo ako – hindi na ito bago. Do I regret leaving? No. Kung hindi ako umalis – I would have not experience yung mga bagay na nagawa ko while I was away from Siyudad. Kung hindi ako umalis – hindi ko maconfirm na I was underpaid and overworked. I would not have known what I am truly worth. I can’t say I am fully contented – but I am happy where I am. Life’s been good this past few months – and I plan to enjoy it while I can… Papaano na ang realization? Well…. I am charging it to temporary insanity… a temporary realization. J